At an English department post-graduate research lecture a few weeks back, I was inspired by what may have been the best fashion accessory of the Middle Ages, perhaps ever. The lecture was by a woman called Ruth Evans, and it was titled “What was Sexuality in the Middle Ages?” And so, in my capacity as self-appointed fashion editor/prophet, I give you the one and only item from the Middle Ages sure to be the fashion must-have of this and every holiday season:

Erotic Iconography Badges!

I know the image is small, but in case you can’t quite tell (or you can tell but you think “No, that couldn’t be”), I’m here to tell you, that’s exactly what this is. Here we see a 14th C. metal badge from Nottinghamshire, probably worn by a peasant (given the cheapness of the metal). In this figure, we see a vagina with arms and legs, walking around on stilts, wearing a crown of three penises. Historians don’t know for sure what the function of these badges was, or who would have warn them, but they suspect they could have been either fertility/virility charms, or souvenirs from brothels.

There are better ones yet that have been discovered, including winged penises, “queen” vaginas being carried around on a litter by a team of eager wangs, and, my favorite, an especially pious cunt on religious pilgrimage (featured in safari-style hat, carrying a walking stick and rosary). You can admire a whole line of reproductions of these sexy badges at the website of a Minneapolis jewelry maker called Ellesh’s Closet.

Now, imagine if we brought these wonderful accessories back. Everyone I know (with only one or two exceptions) loves the cock, so why not display your love of the cock by wearing an image of a penis driving a race car? Or, an anthropomorphised butt with a jet-pack. Wave of the future. Each bathhouse and sex dungeon could have its own specialty badge, and you could relive your 13-year-old (23-year-old, if you’re Stu) dream of catching ‘em all ™! Imagine how quickly they would sell during Pride. A “Vagina on a Harley” badge would be as in demand as . . . as . . . well, a vagina on a Harley.

The point of these badges is not simply that they are funny or stylish, though clearly they’re both. The point is that they reflect a time when sexuality was so open and acknowledged that people actually wore these things around in public. Which group of people today are bold enough, proud enough, open enough about their sexual tastes to bring this fashion back? It can only be the gays. Mark my words: wave of the future.

Big thanks to http://gotmedieval.blogspot.com/ for the use of their image.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 at 5:35 pm and is filed under Rant. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.