Not. Even. Joking. I really wish I was an extra on the Star Trek movie, so that I could have walked up to Captain James T. Kirk, my body painted in green, and tell him to set his lasers from “stun” to “penetrate.” I’d even let him his uniform on. Spock could watch. I mean, honestly Kirk, what is that those freaky alien chicks have that I don’t? Is it the tentacle-clad vagina? Really, can you be so sure that I don’t have one too?
Let me tell you a story about how my Thanksgiving became even more thankful this year: my family and I, high on tryptophan, were discussing which was more rockin’ — regular cranberry sauce, or the canned Jello-like substance (totally better, btw) — when we decided to watch a movie. I flipped through my mom’s DVD cases, containing mostly rom-coms and drams and those kind of movies that package love into wildly entertaining forays starring Matthew McConaughey or Julia Roberts when I found a little gem that hadn’t even been unwrapped yet. It was “Just My Luck” starring America’s sweetheart and mini-prostitute Lindsay Lohan. On the cover, her giant face is winking at you, while a smaller version of her kisses some nondescript guy. Since I love love LOVE Crackwhore Lohan, I demanded we watch this movie. Not 5 minutes in, as the credits role, I see the name Chris Pine shine on the screen, and I almost spit out my Diet Lemon-Lime Safeway-brand soda. CHRIS PINE THE LOVE OF MY WEEK. Then 10 minutes in, my erotic hopes are shattered as I see what they’ve done to this very attractive commander to the Enterprise; beat him senseless with an ugly stick. Unlike Lohan’s character, “the luckies girl EVER”, he’s the exact opposite; the unluckiest, and therefore, unattractive-est. Thank GOD halfway through the horrible flick, their luck is reversed, and naturally, so are their looks. Pine ditches the glasses he was sporting, and can now continue to look right into my soul with those steely, steely blues. He even takes his shirt off, but I decided it would be weird to lick the screen with my family in the room.
BACK TO STAR TREK CHRIS PINE. I was discovering fetishes I never knew I had; like space-age jumpsuits. Probably deeply rooted from my love of Power Rangers. Whatevs. Beam me up, so we can get down.
I loves him <3<3<3 what is annoying however is the commercials that show part of the sex scene with him in his underwear for a brief moment and you crave more but it just ends and you are left with a deep overwhelming sense of sadness.