Capitol Hillbillies — A gay webcomic, updated Tues and Fri

You’ve seen Avatar, right? More importantly, you’ve seen the wheelchair-rockin’est, buzz-cut sportin’est, pinch-his-cheeks-cutiest main character played by Sam Worthington. James Cameron’s latest masterpiece, or “The Trippiest Thing I’ve Seen Since That One Time I Did Shrooms And Watched ‘The Labyrinth’” places this Australian actor in his latest role since “Terminator: Salvation” and I have to hand it Sam: he makes freaky-deaky things look good.

As I watched Worthington’s human form roll around in Avatar, I totally imagined that scene from Glee a few weeks back, where handicapped Artie was hitting on the stuttering Asian chick; I was sort of hoping to run into a wheelchair-clad Worthington, and have him reassure me that had, indeed, his penis was FULLY functional. Unlike stuttering Asian chick, I would have made him prove it.

THEN, when Worthy was running around in his freaky Avatar form in nothing but a loincloth, I was sort of hoping Pandora could have been just a tad windier. If my calculations are correct, that would have been the THIRD blue wang I’d seen this year. 2009, you certainly raised the bar. On the plus side, judging by how tall Na’vi are, I could probably stand up and be just the right height for some oral, which would be a real treat for my neck and back, ya know? Then again, if their genitalia looked anything like the end of their pony-tailed hair, I might have to stick with a handjob only and just be friends, sort of like how I do with guys whose pubes have outgrown their penis. Besides, without giving any plot away, it doesn’t seem like the Na’vi are real fans of one-night stands, what with all the “bonding for all eternity” they do.

Noticing that Sammy was in Terminator Salvation, legs intact, I decided to give that a rental. Awful, AWFUL movie — Helena Bohnam Carter, what were you thinking?! — but of course all I could imagine was how much stamina a half-human, half-robot Worthington would have. Before I know it, things are being blown up and Sam is giving away his body parts to keep his fully-human friends a second chance. Well, if you’re just handing out organs, can I call dibs on something?