So let us dive into the plethora of threesomes that one can encounter, in no particular order:

-One devoted couple, with someone new to “spice things up”: This category could probably have some sub-categories as well, including “3rd wheel” or “center of attention”. The former happens when two people are really getting into it, and the other gets a little (or a lotta) left out. For example, one person in the couple invited a third to join, and the other half-heartedly agreed, and then half-asses it doing the threesome, or he gets totally ignored. (I’m using all male pronouns, but most of this can extend to straight couple, I imagine [I always forget to put myself in a straight persons perspective before I say stuff like that. See note below].) Or the devoted couple gets really into it, since this is old hat for them, and the invitee feels a little out of the loop. The “center of attention” category is one person is picked, intentionally or not, and the other two focus on him. Usually successful, especially if everyone is totally game. Takes the most amount of communication, especially between some couples, to make sure it does more good than harm.

-Three good friends: This is when no one is actually dating anyone, but you know each other really well, maybe even slept together in one combination or another. Again, there’s always the possibility of a “third wheel” but if we’re all friends here, its should be pretty balanced. Probably initiated by “This is so-and-so, and he’s good in the sack” “Oh yeah?” “Yes, my threesome skills, let me show you them” or something.

-Three strangers: Sober or not, three new friends decide to take it from the bar/alley/school library to the bedroom/alley/lockerroom. Everything is totally improvised, but the thrills of discovery and spontaneity are there. Or so I’ve heard…

[Note: So most of this probably DOESN'T apply to straight couples, since there's that whole different gender thing involved. With gays, there's no combos like "MMF" or "MFF" to worry about, which is a whole other ballgame to think about. Like MMF: Is it two straight males doing one chick, or everyone doing everyone? Too complicated for me...sorry straighties.]

Just some of the topics that Leah and I covered and now passing them on to you. Anyone have some good insight? Advice?

Sorry about the mini-break there, shit has a tendency to throw itself at the fan sometimes. Happy New Year kids! I’s excited.

Alphabeat are opening for Katy Perry on January 23 at the Showbox. It’s one of two concerts next month I’m going to just to see the opening act (the other concert being Adele to see James Morrison). If you haven’t already bought a ticket, you’re out of luck because it’s sold out. I will be there to see Alphabeat, and then either getting drunk and heckling Ms. Perry or just leaving.

Fascination
Boyfriend

Unfortunately, I missed the annual Gingerbread House Party this year, thanks to this fuck-all blizzard that the northwest has been having. I suppose I could just get naked and rub myself with frosting and candy and get a similar experience, but it’s just not the same, y’know?

I hope everyone had an excellent holiday (or still having one, all you jew-gays…call me?). John called me from Germany after having watched a number of essential Christmas specials (yes, of course “The Smurfs Christmas” was one of them). He’s having some internet issues across the pond, which is why he’s been missing from the site for a minute. They don’t give out Wi-Fi as freely as they do here, like clean water or drugs.

I almost feel like we’re just looking for a reason to start criticizing Obama. I mean, yeah, not cool that he invited that guy, but like any good party, you and your click huddle together in the corner and talk shit about him while giving him dirty looks, until you’re all too drunk to care anyway. If Obama wants to stay true to his whole equality schtick, he’s going to piss people off. The second panel is almost a direct quote–he’s on our side guys, but he’s got to invite that one guy that no one really likes, saying “C’mon guys, he’s not that bad. Besides, he’s paying for most of this. I’m sure you guys have something in common.”

And finally:

I want Andy Samburg in me.

British band Girls Aloud are at the peak of their success right now in the UK, with a Number 1 album (Out of Control) released on the back of a Number 1 single (”The Promise”).  I’ve been obsessed with the Girls for a few years now, but it’s lonely going as no one in the US seems to know who they are - and only a few of their albums are on the US iTunes store.  Unfortunate, because 6 years on and 19 Top Ten UK singles under their belts, Sarah, Nicola, Cheryl, Nadine, and Kimberley should be ruling the world, if not the entire universe.  Here’s 7 reasons why (note: all links are YouTube videos):

7.  “Sound of the Underground”

Sound of the Underground

Past history (and, indeed, logic) dictates that winners of reality television shows must release a safe, slushy, feel good single after winning the competition (see: any winner of American Idol/Pop Idol/X Factor etc.) A little background here - Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 as the result of a reality television competition called “Popstars: The Rivals.” The idea was to create a new girl band and a new boy band that would battle it out for the UK Christmas Number 1 single.  Geri Halliwell was even a judge, along with Pete Waterman and Louis Walsh.  “Popstars” led to the Girl’s creation, and “Sound of the Underground” was their drum-n-bass inspired debut single.  For a year where the charts had been dominated by bland stadium and indie rock, a manufactured pop band releasing a (honestly, brilliant) single called “Sound of the Underground” was pretty ballsy.  The song went to #1, stayed there for four weeks, and everyone promptly forgot about the boy band that “Popstars” also created (One True Voice) as they broke up after a couple singles - even though they were favored to win.

6.  “Wake Me Up”

Wake Me Up

The Girls’ “fuck you” song to all the people that thought they would/were about to break up.  The song structure & mixed-bag of genres hints at what is later to come - combining hard, almost heavy metal-esque guitars and squelching synth lines.  The brilliance of Miranda Cooper/Xenomania’s lyrics is evident here again: “What it just the maragaritas, or were you looking at me? Also includes the dig at the boy band from “Popstars” and their former TV fame:

“The TV life is working all right/it feels so good to lose”

5.  “Love Machine”

Love Machine

What Will the Neighbours Say? was the album that established the Girls’ identity - poppy and tuneful, but at the same time cheeky and quirky.  Having decided to have their albums written and produced solely by the innovative British production house Xenomania, they quickly because Xenomania’s muses.  Miranda Cooper of Xenomania is one of the best lyricists today - even when handling a daft song like this. Observe:

“We’re gift-wrapped kitty cats/Only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back
Let’s go eskimo/Out into the blue!”

4. “Biology” and the Chemistry album

Biology

After seeing that they could still be successful AND quirky, Xenomania decided to whip up something different for the Girls’ third album Chemistry - a concept album about fame and celebrity.  The second single “Biology” quickly sets the tone for the rest of the album:

“The way that we walk/the way that we talk
We’re gonna cause a controversy!”

Interesting, the song structure for “Biology” is completely whacked - it sounds like Xenomania threw everything and the kitchen sink into it - starts off with a blues riff, goes to the pre-chorus, goes to the first chorus, then a second chorus (one of the choruses isn’t even repeated) and still, somehow, manages to be amazing, all “Alabama returns” and “cappucinos to go.”  The video is daft, but most of their videos are.

3.  The “Tangled Up” Tour Intro/Sexy! No No No

\”Tangled Up\” Tour Intro

Probably because they can now afford it, they decide to open every concert SUSPENDED IN THE AIR and DESCENDING UPON US like SUPERHEROES to grace us with their presence.  Take that, Beyonce. The video for “Sexy! No No No is all Christina Aguilera-style Girls-as-pincushions, with a heavily vocodered intro that could be Daft Punk.

Sexy! No No No

2. “The Loving Kind”

The Loving Kind

From the new album Out of Control, an example of how much the Girls have permeated British culture.  While Pet Shop Boys were recording their own new album with Xenomania, they wrote this song for the Girls.  Chris Martin of Coldplay loves them so much he requested that they open one of their London tour dates next year.

1.  “Call The Shots”

Call The Shots

Despite all Xenomania’s studio wizardry and “everything plus the kitchen sink” style of production, this song proves they can write a straight-up Brilliant Pop Song. Chris Martin, Billy Corgan, George Michael, Neil Tennant - all confessed fans of this song  The bridge makes it even better - I get chills when the music drops out and Nicola sings

“I’ve seen life flow by like a river/So full of twilight, dreams that glitter.”

The second single (after “Sexy! No No No”) from the Tangled Up album - an album which has NO BALLADS, only rocked-up dance-infused blisteringly good songs.  One of the best albums ever.

America - get your act together.  Why do we put up with shit like the Jonas Brothers when there is much better Pop Music out there?

I’ve stopped making dream men out of snow. Thawing my dick out is something I’d only like to do twice, thank you very much.

I’m a sucker for the holidays in Seattle. I always get a kick out the giant lighted star on Macy’s, like it the guiding light to the gay Bethlehem. And the flashing, neon trees in Westlake Square that would make any raver kid have a seizure. But really, there’s a certain tranquility to walking up to Cap Hill, turning around to downtown and taking it all it. 

That’s what he said.

Finally, I saw a sale for an “After-Christmas sale going on now!” at some store by H&M. It took me so off guard, I had to double check with my friend that I hadn’t missed that one quickly approaching holiday. Approaching, not passed. Whatever.

Here is the home of LOLcats, for the three of you not familiar.

Color later!

For a few months now, I’m been slowly, tenderly loving Patti Labelle, just waiting for an occasion to spread this love with the rest of the world. Specifically, it’s the Patti & Labelle years that I love, the serious, sexy funk years, a requisite for every person’s life for a number of reasons. Observe my favorite example, which I will explain why you too should love in a moment:

First of all, this is inches away from a drag performance, and I think we all know what I mean by “inches.” I can count on one hand the performers today who go this close to over-the-toppness of this scale. Any drag queen worth her heels should strive to this level of ridiculousness.

Second, the lyrics. Yes, she is actually saying what she appears to be: “I come like the pouring rain each time you call my name. It’s good what you’re doing–what you’re doing.” Is she having a very enthusiastic conversation with her lover? Is she being eaten like a Thankgiving turkey, interpreted through song? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Finally, the costumes: Not only does her space-suit parka and crotch-high tin-foil boots combination give the impression that she could beam aboard the mother ship any moment and set off on her long-standing mission to defeat Flash Gordon and the defenders of the Earth–not only that, but the outfits Patti and her backup singers are wearing put pieces like this into context in a way that makes them seem perfectly understandable:

Of course Beyonce is wearing a washboard cocktail dress with shoulder pads. It’s all about context. It could make less sense.

And just for good measure, one more little treasure from Ms Labelle:

The faint gets me every time.

I wonder if my friends have caught on to the fact that ANY sort of interaction with me, including random, possibly drunk text messages, becomes the seed of comics like this.

I’ve yet to have one of these delicacies that Clark is so fond of, but I’m certainly intrigued. I mean, I may never have to chew another meal again, at this rate.

I really am a huge fan of this video. I won’t bother posting it here since you’ve probably already seen it (I mean, yer gay, right?), and if not, it’s not hard to find. To me, it’s the perfect example of Beyoncé being able to pull off bat-shit crazy stunts and no body even batting an eye. The gauntlet? Um, duh…why would she NOT wear a cyborg-like metal gauntlet on only one hand? What are you, dumb? Besides, I’m sure it has its practical uses, like opening pickle jars without breaking a nail, calling people on her video phone, or dealing with directing issues quickly and cleanly. 

And thanks to everyone who wished CHB a happy birthday! I obviously showed my gratitude by not doing a comic for a week. Tough love.